Woe-Man! Things African Women Do that Kill Intimacy
Dignity, respect, freedom, understanding and most of all, a loving, peaceful, joyful and merry life with their African women are the cravings of most African men. That is why before starting an intimate relationship, falling in love and ultimately tying the knot with a woman, African men take their time and look out for some qualities e.g. how loving, respectful, responsible, selfless, sensitive and secure is she? However, as we all know the only constant thing in life is change and in the area of a relationship, when change creeps in, there is only a thin line between love and hate, as sometimes love can turn sour for any of the following reasons: lack of respect, suspicion, constant nagging, irresponsibility, insensitivity, selfishness, and a nonchalant attitude on the part of their African women. In this month’s cover story, we spoke with a number of men on what they think are the things African women do that can kill intimacy in relationship and marriage. Their responses were very frank and straight-from-the-heart. Please Enjoy! Interviews by Maureen Layokun and Nobuhle Nduka
Intimacy between a couple blossoms if the woman-in-charge above all things, is loving, selfless and very sensitive to the needs of the family. As an African man, my family and home come first and the worst thing my woman will do to annoy me is to ignore our home, pay inadequate attention to the children and just let herself go appearance wise, all in pursuit of anything else – no matter what it is. I can never tolerate a woman who has no integrity and hangs around with lousy and unfocussed women; which happens to be the regular practice of most African women. In any successful relationship there must be what I call “oneness” -whereby a woman would stand firmly for and support me and our kids all the way. A woman would grief me if she is one who has no ambition, who cannot plan, who nags endlessly, who is insecure of herself and does not trust me – such a woman would bring woe unto any man and I for one, would not touch such a woman even with a 100 feet long pole.
Most African women are very disobedient. On my own part if a woman is disobedient, it turns me off. A woman should have respect for her man. If a woman does not respect her man, I don’t think the marriage or relationship will go well. Another thing that turns me off is when a woman is not clean, like when I come back from work and I see that the whole house is so dirty, it turns me off. When I want to eat my food and I don’t see it immediately that annoys me. Lying is another thing some African women do that can annoy me. If you do something, just open up and tell me, I will forgive. But if you lie to me and I find out that you are lying it turns me off.
Generally speaking from a man’s perspective, the worst thing a woman can do to annoy me and kill the intimacy between us is if she becomes uncaring, irresponsible and no longer respects my views on issues or listens to corrections. A woman must be responsible and calculated; and rather than waste precious time partying or having meaningless discussions with friends, I believe a woman should channel such energy towards building her home. As an African married man with children, based in a foreign country with different culture and orientation from ours, the woman’s input towards maintaining the home and raising the children is of utmost importance. A common African adage which I strongly uphold, says that every good child belongs to the father and the bad ones belong to the mother, therefore, the onus to discipline and train the children to become something in life to a large extent falls on the woman, and I would not expect anything less from any woman.
In relation to my background as an African, one of the things an African woman would do that would annoy me is not keeping the house clean. A man doesn’t need to come back home from work to meet the house in tatters and the children hungry. Another thing are women who are unfaithful to their partners. That one is unthinkable for a man. A woman who cannot cook is definitely not it. An extravagant woman would be so annoying. Another annoying thing is a woman who keeps bad female friends who are often of negative influence.
Oshoke Adonis IKPEKHA
My greatest turn-off in women, especially African women is their selfish, insensitive and uncaring “me, myself, and I” nature. Most of them are very material minded and most times are with a man for what they can get from him. Some don’t bother to show empathy even when their partners are going through certain unpleasant phases e.g. death of a family member, inability to provide for family as a result of loss of job, sickness, etc. This sort of behaviour infuriates me, and believe me, any form of intimacy and love I have would automatically die the minute I sense my lady is that sort of person – even if she is the reigning “Miss World”. I also cannot stand a woman who is unsure of herself and is ever suspicious of my every move; one without a sense of humour and who stops making an effort to look presentable because she feels she is no longer single – I tell you such a woman has no future with me. Sorry!
Pastor Lawrence OYETUNJI
General Overseer, Christ Ambassadors
Viewing from the spiritual aspect of life, for the simple fact that most African women fall for “their men” and commit to them for the wrong reasons, there is bound to be a negative change on her part should there be a stoppage to whatever attracted her to the union in the first place. However, a negative change on the part of the woman will make her pay less attention to the family and generally fail in her marital obligations to the man. She will lack submission and virtually all interests, including companionship, true love and care, and the will to please and sexually satisfy her man (thereby disobeying God’s word in Ephesians 5 v. 22-24). Behaviour of this sort would definitely annoy her man and ultimately lead to a breakdown in marital intimacy. My word of advice to any African woman is that, for you not to unknowingly annoy your man and kill his love, please learn to encourage, support and pray for him; do not be selfish and ensure to contribute your quota to building the family. Most importantly, African women must know that marriage is for two people only, so the idea of involving third parties e.g. families and friends into their marital affairs could have fatal consequences.
This is a very sensitive and important issue that needed a great attention by both couples. I would like to view this topic based my argument mostly on the word of God because HE is the ‘establisher’ of homes. Firstly, our African women have forgotten that God makes man to be the head of the home and when they are dealing with their man they always want to have their way. There is a purpose why God place the man there, they love to argue too much, nagged a lot and even forget their own culture and this to me kills intimacy. Secondly the way they react to the issues of money also affects intimacy. The word of God says “the love of money is the root of all evil”, I have seen so many “Africa women” that because of this their homes have scattered especially here in Europe, (because the so call society law encourages them to be a single parent) forgetting where they came from. Thirdly, I observed that African women love to pretend a lot, and this in fact affects the intimacy. They should find a positive way of expressing their motives. I would suggest that all of us should please allow the word of God to dwell richly in us and be a doer of it and apply it to our daily activities in our relationship.
Solomon Ayo IJIGADE
Honestly, harsh as it may sound, I would run very far away from any woman, African or European; who nags, who has a low self-esteem and who infringes on my freedom and literarily suffocates me due to her insecurity. Most times after a hard day’s work, a man would cherish a bit of space on his own to wind down. I cannot stand a woman who is manipulative and tries to force her views on my judgement, or one that lacks understanding, tolerance and patience especially with children – I mean, how would such a person raise my precious offspring. There can never be any form of intimacy between me and a goalless, loud and talkative woman who just makes up the women statistic, as I believe a woman just like the Americans would say, “Should know what the time is.” Though rare to find, a woman that is cool, calm and collected under any circumstance would be a delight to me or any African man any day.