AGONY AUNT – I am very confused, my husband in Ireland has another wife in Nigeria

on 24th September 2014 at 21:00

Agony Aunt: Mrs Justina Law

Very Confused
I am very confused at the moment. My husband and I met when he came to Ireland to search for greener pastures. He was a good man to me, we met and dated and then we fell in love and eventually got married. When we were deep into the relationship, he told me that he actually had a wife back in Nigeria with children. At first, I didn’t think it would affect me because he led me to believe that it wouldn’t because he said she would stay there in Nigeria and I would be here because I loved him so much, I agreed. Now we are married and have children together, I am seriously being affected by all this. What can I do?
– Mariam

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Mrs Justina Law Says: I really do feel your pain, but you allowed this from the start. Some people have said that whatever you accept at the start of a relationship that is what you will have to live with. I understand that when you are in love, you don’t seem to see what you are supposed to see. That is why it is advisable to have people like confidants or even good friends that will look out for you so that they can see what you cannot see due to love. Well, I really do not know what to say but that the wife in Nigeria is the legal wife and basically, you are the ‘bit on the side’, I am sorry to say. Don’t know what you thought your husband was going to do, he will never abandon the family there in Nigeria, even if he does, he will eventually get back in touch with them. They are his family just as you are his family and he will always be in touch with them whether they are here or abroad. You just have to deal with it. You have to accept that there will always be another family out there needing your husband’s attention and you would be very unwise not to allow him perform his fatherly duties to them. So I am sorry Mariam you just have to be strong in this case and accept what you have accepted from the start. Good luck.

I Pay For Everything!
I have been dating my boyfriend for the past few years and he just basically relies heavily on me for all the financial day to day running of the relationship. He doesn’t have a job and we use the money I earn from the job I recently got to finance everything. When I object sometimes, he just says that after all, we are going to be married and spending my money on us was no big deal. At this point in time, I just do not even understand whether I love him anymore because of all the financial strain I am under. I don’t even ever remember when he has spent money on me I know it’s not all about the money, but money does help to grease the relationship wheel. He is always broke when we go out and he always expects me to spend especially when we visit his family whereas he has never spent any money on my family. He is a 31-year-old man and I am 25-years-old and I just do not understand why I am the one always footing the bill. I am always so hopeful that he will change but is this wishful thinking?
– Abigail

Mrs Justina Law Says: This is wishful thinking. A man that you have dated for this while and he has been like this, now you ask whether he will change. No he can never change and will never change because you have accepted all that from him from day one. And why should he change when he has a cash cow at home supplying all his and his family’s needs. The question is that why doesn’t a 31-year-old man work? Even the Good book says that a man that doesn’t work must not eat but in this case, you have put yourself in the position of the man of the house providing all his needs. I mean as a female, we are supposed to be cared for by the opposite sex that we are in a relationship with I am not saying that we are looking for riches from the man, but there are certain things that he just must have. I hope you aren’t thinking of going into marriage with this one because you will be drained. He isn’t a man, he cannot provide for your basic needs and the cheek of this man expecting you to provide for his family as well. Girl, leave him so that he can get himself together. You cannot afford psychologically, emotionally and financially to keep doing this. You really need to cut him because he is a dead weight, he will definitely drag you down you are too young for all that extra weight. Good luck.

How Would You React?
I am at my wits end here. I have been married for a few years now and we have two children a boy and a girl. I and my husband decided not to have any more children until I recently found out that I am pregnant. I spoke to my husband about it and he actually asked me to abort the pregnancy and he cited all the reasons why having another child now is not the best option (financial etc) but I know I would never abort this child, this is my child that I am keeping. My husband has threatened to leave me and the children we have if I decided to keep this pregnancy. I don’t want to lose my husband or my baby what do I do? If there is any time when I needed help most, this is it.
– Anonymous

Mrs Justina Law Says: The issue at hand is a very delicate one. This reminds me of exactly what a neighbor of mine went through. They already had a son who was 6 years at the time but due to the nature of the man’s job, he that he only wanted the one child. However, the wife discovered that she was pregnant and that was when he said he didn’t want the baby and he really persuaded his wife to abort the baby. The wife was advised to pray, to try and convince him to change his mind regarding the issue. Eventually, she kept the baby, a girl was born and till this day, she is the apple of her father’s eye the pride of his life. So what I am trying to say is that there is no way you can abort this baby. You will not lose your husband, pray about this because there is nothing prayer cannot solve. The fact is that going through abortion is not an easy thing the psychological effect is devastating. My friends have been through it and trust me it isn’t an easy thing. Your husband will not leave you; he is just saying that because of financial strains etc. You just have to try and convince him with a gentle spirit that the abortion is definitely not something you want to consider.

Help me please
Help me please, I am a very jealous, overprotective girl and I need desperate help. I am extremely protective over my boyfriend whenever he is on the telephone to any female, I just get so angry and I feel like breaking his phone. The other day, even though I put our pictures on his profile and mine on the internet, I still see that he manages to converse with other females which only makes me angrier. The other day, I was scanning through his phone; I was checking the messages on his phone. I then saw a message by this female and she wrote him love messages and I was so angry that I broke his mobile phone to pieces and now he doesn’t want me anymore I love this guy so much and we have invested so many years into this relationship and my family know him and have accepted him as my husband to be. Right now I do not know what to do please I need your help.
– Susan

Mrs Justina Law Says: How are you doing? The issue is that you really need to get a grip. Why do you think that you are so over protective? Have you had trust issues in the past, in relationships? You really need to take time out and talk to yourself about this- you will end up losing relationships because of this lack of trust. Do you think that by putting the picture of both of you on the internet / site that would deter the female species? I would honestly and sincerely recommend that you get busy it just sounds like you have nothing to do. Maybe you should get an extra hobby that would take your mind away from this guy. Let me even ask you, are you even married? Because the way you are carrying on, I wouldn’t recommend that you get married. You are fighting over a man that isn’t married to you yet and what would happen when you eventually marry him? You really need to seek help for your anger and your temper. No man will accept this from any woman, you claim that you love him but this isn’t love. You need to amend your ways otherwise you will lose the man you love.